Does your boyfriend still care? Why doesn’t he show his love? You don’t want to overreact, but it’s hard when your boyfriend stops making an effort.
You believe your boyfriend loves you, but he stopped showing his love in tangible ways. Did his feelings change? Maybe he no longer loves you the way he used to.
One of the best things to do when you’re confused about your relationship is to pull back and try to see yourself — and your boyfriend — more objectively. Here, you’ll find several questions and tips to help you evaluate your relationship and make a good decision about your boyfriend. You’ll learn how to respond when your boyfriend stops texting you.And if you need help deciding what to do about a boyfriend who isn’t making an effort in your relationship, you can share your story in the comments section below.
Putting yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes is important when you’re wondering what to do about his lack of effort. If, for example, your boyfriend is dealing with work stress, emotional health issues or family problems then you can might want to give him some time and space. But if you have no idea why your boyfriend stopped making an effort in your relationship, talk to him.
Be objective: how well do you know your boyfriend? How much do you know about his life, family, friends and job? On a scale of 1 to 10, would you rate your relationship a 1 (you started dating within the last couple of months and are still in the beginning phases of getting to know each other) or a 10 (you’ve been dating for 20 years and know each other inside and out)? The middle of this “relationship scale” is a 5: you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you know each other fairly well. Still, surprises still pop up often enough to keep you on your toes.
6 Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Stops Making an Effort
Did your boyfriend stop making an effort because he’s distracted or stressed about something else in his life? If so, you have to trust that your relationship can handle this temporary lull in affection and attention.
If, however, your boyfriend really has lost interest in you, then you may have to be painfully honest with yourself. You may have to loosen your attachment and allow your boyfriend to withdraw or even leave. The worst thing you can do is become a desperate, emotionally suffocating girlfriend who is scared to lose her boyfriend.
1. Accept that you can’t change your boyfriend
No matter how much you wish your boyfriend was making more of an effort in your relationship, you have to remember that there’s nothing you can do to change him. You want him to want you. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you.
Don’t let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. If you succumb to what you wish your relationship and boyfriend was, then you’ll find yourself begging or manipulating your boyfriend into making an effort in your relationship. Instead of wishing things were different, practice accepting the fact that you can’t change your boyfriend or make him want to spend time with you.
InWhen He Doesn’t Make Time for You: How to Create More Love in Your Relationship, Byron Katie shows a man how to build a better relationship by questioning thoughts such as “I want him to spend more time with me.”
2. Remember who you can change
If you’re depressed by my first tip on what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship (accept him for who he is right now), I’ve got good news for you! You have the power to change someone very important in your life. You can change how you respond to your boyfriend and everything else in your life. You can adjust your expectations and change your reactions. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control what you say and do.
You don’t have to change your personality, but you may need to change your expectations. Are you expecting more from your boyfriend than he can give? If you depend on him for your self-identity and self-image, then you have to learn how to be an emotionally strong woman in your relationships. If your self-image is shattered because your boyfriend stopped making an effort, then you’re expecting too much from him.
Here’s what to do: write down the three strongest emotions you feel about your boyfriend’s lack of effort in your relationship. Write in your journal or diary, or share in the comments section below. Writing down your expectations will not only help you gain clarity and insight into yourself, it’ll also help you see if you need to change what you expect of your boyfriend.
3. Don’t settle for less than you deserve in a relationship
After you write down your expectations of your boyfriend, ask yourself if they’re realistic. For example, do you expect your boyfriend to text you five times a day or call you first thing in the morning and last thing before you fall asleep? Maybe what you see as your boyfriend’s “lack of effort” is simply a normal part of being in a solid, comfortable relationship.
On the other hand, maybe your boyfriend’s lack of effort means that he only calls you once a month or texts you once every two months. That’s not enough for any relationship! Maybe you feel grateful when your boyfriend finally decides to stop by at 10 pm, without calling first. Maybe he always expects you to be waiting for him, ready to do whatever he wants. Those aren’t just low relationship expectations, they’re unhealthy patterns of behavior. If you’re last on your boyfriend’s list of priorities, then you need to stop wondering what to do when he makes no effort in your relationship. You need to recognize that you’re settling for less than you deserve. And you need to figure out why you’re not asking him to treat you better.
4. Try to see your boyfriend’s life from his perspective
Are circ*mstances in your boyfriend’s life affecting how he relates to you and others? This is where my first question comes in: how well do you know your boyfriend? If you’ve been together for a long time (a 7 or 8 on that “relationship scale” at the beginning of this article), then maybe you can see that your boyfriend isn’t making an effort because he’s dealing with serious issues in other parts of his life.
If you haven’t been dating long — or if your relationship is less than a year old — you may not know your boyfriend well enough to determine why he stopped making an effort. Is your boyfriend an emotionally unavailable man? Maybe he’s coping with financial problems in his professional or personal life, or grieving the los of someone he loves. Maybe he’s too heavy into the party, drugs, and alcohol scene. Or maybe your boyfriend is dealing with an ex-wife and custody issues, and just doesn’t have the time or energy to make an effort in your relationship.
5. Talk to him without getting angry or upset
It doesn’t have to be a big, heavy “relationship talk”! How you approach your boyfriend depends on his personality, your style of communication, and your relationship. If you almost never see each other, then sitting down to talk about your relationship – or his lack of effort – would look much different than if you live together.
Find a low-key, nonthreatening way to approach him. Try not to get upset, irritated, or emotional. Ask your boyfriend open-ended questions about how he thinks your relationship is going, and if there’s anything you both can do to bring you closer together. What you talk about really does depend on the issues you’re facing, how long you’ve been together, and why your boyfriend isn’t making an effort in your relationship.
If your boyfriend never made an effort to begin with, then he may simply be lazy or indifferent to building and maintaining a relationship with you. Perhaps he wasn’t taught how to love a woman, and he hasn’t taken time to learn what goes into a happy, healthy relationship. Perhaps he thinks guys don’t need to make an effort in relationships, and girlfriends should do all the work.
See why it’s so important for you to know your boyfriend — and know yourself — before deciding what to do when he doesn’t make an effort? All relationships are unique. And, your definition of “not making an effort” may not match your boyfriend’s definition…which means you’re operating from a completely different set of expectations.
6. Loosen your grip – because holding tight hurts your relationship
Letting Go of Someone You Loveisn’t about “getting over it.” Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, pretending you didn’t lose an important relationship, or guarding your heart so you don’t get hurt again.
Rather, letting go is about loosening unhealthy attachments in current and past relationships. It’s about dealing with regret, coping with guilt, and healing shame. When you let go, you find peace and freedom.
Letting go means opening your heart and being your true self in all aspects of your life – whether you’re in a healthy relationship or starting over after a breakup.
Letting Go of Someone You Loveis filled with comforting, practical ways to heal your heart. You’ll feel encouraged and strengthened, comforted and supported.
What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below! You may find it helpful to write about your relationship. Writing can help you discover if you’re expecting too much, or if your boyfriend stopped making an effort because your relationship doesn’t mean much to him.
If your boyfriend or others say that you’re expecting too much, read 11 Ways to Stop Being the “Clingy Girlfriend” in a Relationship.
Need encouragement? Stay in touch!
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219 thoughts on “Did He Stop Making an Effort? 6 Ways to Revive Your Relationship”
Its still Sadie November 15, 2022 at 6:44 pm
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Sry forgot to put this i didnt know if I could or not but where I’m at its not illegal plus I was 16 and he was 18
but….
yes I did give myself to him….he was my first.. and it was the second time I snuck out
but I did everything for him and I get ignoredSadie November 15, 2022 at 6:38 pm
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I met my boyfriend this summer (July) through my bestfriend and I met him through snap (he was 18 and he doesn’t go to school and I am a junior in highschool. My bestfriend just wanted to get me with someone so she picked her friend and I told her that I needed to get to know him first and not rush into a relationship so me and this guy stayed up for 24 hours on ft and we kinda just clicked he told me he liked me and I sort of liked him but I told him I still wanted to just keep talking so we did and he was so impatient he just wanted to ask me out so a week later I was like “sure” and we started dating. We would always say “I like you” instead of “I love you”. A week after that, I was at a summer camp and me and him were on ft. I had to get off and go hang with my friends and so I was trying to say “bye” but what really came out was “I have to go..I love you..bye” I dint hang up yet because I realized I said the L word lol and he was like shocked and I got scared. I said sorry like 4 times before I hung up. When I got back to our dorm that night I ft him and told him it felt right but It was also an accident. He was fine with it so we just started to say it to each other. Hes lives far from me so our relationship was based off of ft. We would stay up all night on the phone and talk and then he slept during the day but he sometimes would call me. Me and him were in that I rlly like you stage lol. August came around I went back to school. Me and him didnt talk all day but that didnt matter at first cause he slept while i went to school but then he started to sleep at night like a normal person and so I would go to school and ft him right when school got out and we would fall asleep on ft together. After my birthday on the 2nd I was 16 and he was 18 (not a big age difference and its not illegal where I’m at) and so i wanted to meet him in person. Now my mom did not know about my boyfriend i was afraid to tell her cause she probably wouldn’t approve that he didnt go to school. I tried to get my best friend to take me (I cant drive) to his sisters baby shower so i could see him but i found out she no longer was friends with him and she hated that we were dating and regretted getting us together. I got upset and she said she was done being friends with me so yeah that happened. My mom knew smthn was up so she said no to taking me. That night at 1 am I snuck out and had his sis pick me up. I got to see him in person for the first time and we were in love. We cuddled and played video games until 5 am and they took me home. After that we were so in love and we talked all the time everyday. He had a past and opened up to me about it and we were just a rlly good couple. He also gave me his hat. After that night i got my phone taken because my grades were awful (bc of home issues) so me and him didnt talk much but that did not stop me….I would sneak the phone and iPad all the time and talk to him still but then my mom found out about this boyfriend of mine (my sister is a snitch) and i told her that i liked him but i wasn’t dating him. She bought it but ofc I’m a bad liar. She saw me with his hat and questioned me and i told her i got it from my best friend and she knew i was lying but didnt care. September came around. Still didnt have my phone but my bf wanted to see me. I couldn’t take the iPad with me if i snuck out but i did tell him to meet me at my gate at midnight. It was two day before his birthday so this was like a birthday present. Oh and i forgot to say that the first and second time i snuck out I paid his sister 40 dollars OUT OF MY BIRTHDAY MONEY. So anyways I snuck out again and yeah…me and him hung out…it was a special moment for me. He brought me back the same time as last time. After his birthday he left his sisters and moved in with his mom. Me and him didnt talk much because my mom found out more about my bf and i also couldn’t sneak ipads anymore. Towards the end of September things exploded. My ex-best friend snitched to my mom and told her everything about my bf and got some info from close friends about me meeting him secretly so my mom gradually started finding stuff out. She tried to meet my bf but she found out about more crazy stuff and i got into a lot of trouble. She threatened to send my bf to jail idk how tho. She told him to break up with me so he emailed me and said we needed to take a break until the situation gets better. That didnt rlly happen he didnt last a day without me. While he was living with his mom he got a job and was so focused on that..he didnt talk to me as much anymore. At last my mom knew everything and i wasn’t allowed to talk to him.. I found a way tho…my school computer… so yeah. My boyfriend and me zoomed and emailed and he moved from job to job. Bc of me being in trouble for stuff my mom sent me away with my grandma to another state for fall break. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my bf but i did anyways like every night but i couldn’t talk on zoom or ppl would hear me. When I got back from fall break…Everything changed../me him and his sister made a plan for when i graduated, i was gonna move in with him and his sister and go to college around there but that changed to him getting an apartment and a moped and me moving in with him and going to college. So i get back from fall break and i zoom him….hes acting different and grumpy and mean…he told me he was moving back to his home state and never coming back…I started balling my eyes out I was so confused. I asked about the plan we made and he didnt answer he started to be mean to me and not talk and then he hung up on me after saying he wasn’t gonna go to hoco with me or prom and that he didnt love me. He ignored me for a week 1/2 …I thought he dumped me an i had mental breakdowns every night and day..I finally get an email from him asking to zoom and i zoomed him. HE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. he told me he loved me which he hasnt said in a week 1/2 i was shocked.. he acted normal but careless. he said he had been trying to email me but i don’t rlly believe it I never got anything. I started breaking down on zoom and crying. I told him i was confused and he said he was dealing with smthn and didnt feel like saying what it was but instead he took it out on me. He told me he still wanted me and he loved me so i started talking to him again but things still felt weird. He would change his mind a lot from going to his home state to staying and ever since hes been on and off in our relationship and very careless he doesnt put effort into it after everything I HAVE DONE FOR HIM. He ignores me for a week and then talks to me like he rlly loves me and nothing happened. He keeps doing this and now he is ignoring me again and idk whats going on…he was couch hopping but hes back at his sisters now and he wont answer my emails. Im slowly giving up but everytime i try to let go he acts like he rlly loves me and he wants me back. Its like I’m wrapped around his finger but he doesnt want to care and so its hard for me to let go because I truly love him but hes not the same with me. Idk what to do
I don’t want to lose him but i cant tell if he loves me or not he says he rlly does but doesnt act like it. This article actually helped a lot but I don’t rlly know how to let go. I cant let go of people.
but yeah I rlly love this guy and our relationship is dying.Its still Sadie November 15, 2022 at 6:43 pm
Reply
Sry forgot to put this i didnt know if I could or not but where I’m at its not illegal plus I was 16 and he was 18
but….
yes I did give myself to him….he was my first.. and it was the second time I snuck out
but I did everything for him and I get ignoredIt is still me (Sadie) November 15, 2022 at 6:46 pm
Reply
Also i didnt know if i could put this
but yes I did give myself to him and it was my first time
part of me regrets it and part of me doesn’t
but I promise it was legal but yeah
Chloe November 11, 2022 at 4:18 am
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I know this might sound silly compared to all of yours. I’m still in high school. My boyfriend and I have been going out for 8 months. Everything has started crumbling over the last few months. Things have been bad for a while. I’m the beginning, it was easy. Everyone always says how “Couples always fight”, but that was never us. I asked him to go to a Valentine’s Day dance and we went. That’s was our first time seeing each other in person (granted, I’d seen him randomly beforehand in elementary school years before that). That same night, we agreed to date. We may have jumped into it a little fast but we knew each other so well and things were going great. We would stay up all night calling for hours, that’s how we learned the most about each other. He’s a year above me, so he went to the senior high and I still went to the junior high (sophom*ore and freshman) and he would go out of his way because his school got out earlier, he would walk to the junior high and meet me after school and we’d walk home. We did this at least once a week. We used to go on dates once or twice a week. I still have ticket stubs from all the movies we saw and how much trouble we’ve gotten into together. Somewhere around the last 2-3 months have been nothing but fights. We couldn’t go one day without some little thing exploding. We had “the break up talk” several times a day, and at the end of it, it was one of the other begging to stay together because they believed we could fix it. Just about two weeks ago, the cycle broke. We haven’t been fighting everyday. But now everything is so… plain and horrible. He doesn’t come over, we don’t go on dates. He hates my mom which is part of that reason. A couple passing times of the day, we’ll meet just for a couple minutes. We don’t even hug or kiss anymore because people have always yelled “PDA!” (Stupid high schoolers) so now he won’t do any of it. Being that we’re sophom*ore and junior now, we don’t have any classes together. We have so much in common, yet not at the same time. A couple weeks ago, we went to a show which was our first date in a long time. It was amazing, we had so much fun. But when we got home, there was another fight awaiting us. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday he spent the whole day replaying to every single text with “yeah” or “k”. And then proceeded to call me later like nothing was wrong to tell me about something that happened at work. He got a job and now works from right after school until 8:30, six days a week. We don’t stay up on call anymore, and last night we were on call for forty minutes and that’s only because I begged him; however, the whole time, not a single conversation came out of it. Everything is fried up. The honeymoon phase is gone, but now everything is bland.
